Before this year I never even knew that this day existed. October 15 was always just another day. But 6 months ago...almost to the day...Something happened that changed my world. I was so excited to be pregnant again, and just starting to feel sick. I went in for a routine doctor's appointment, with the only question in mind being, "What can I do to help with morning (all day) sickness" as I had a very busy almost-two-year-old I had to chase around, and had to work two days a week. I went in for my dating ultrasound, and the tech asked if I was sure of my dates. If I'd had any cramping or bleeding. My heart sunk. By the time I actually got to see my doctor, I was in shock. And all alone. As we hadn't had any problems at all with Jackson, we had no worries, so Jeff went to work that day. If I'd had any inkling at all of what was going to happen, I would have insisted he go with me. I found out I had lost my baby. I was heartbroken. As it has been six months, things have gotten easier, but I still think of my baby every day. I feel in my heart it was a girl. I would have been so happy to have another boy, to give Jackson a brother to play with. But I longed for a girl, and feeling that it was going to be a girl, I think that almost makes things harder. Anyway, I think of my sweet angel multiple times a day, and she is always the last thing I think about before I fall asleep at night. I should be just 6 weeks away from meeting her. She was due the day before Thanksgiving, and oh how grateful I was...for that month that I knew. We had told both of our families, and they were all excited too.
From now on, October 15 will have a completely different meaning for me. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. And it has been a hard day. I didn't think it would be, but it has been. Maybe it's been posts I've seen on different forums. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's that her due date is getting closer. Maybe it's because there are so many people on facebook and in my ward who are pregnant or have new babies. I can change settings on facebook to control what I see, but I'm not going to stop going to church, no matter now painful it is--and there are days that all I do is cry my way through meetings. If I avoid you, or don't respond to things you post, please don't take it personally. I just don't know how to deal with things myself right now. I seem to have been having more hard days lately, and I wonder if that's why. Maybe it's that I got pregnant with Jackson and Elizabeth so easily, and now I'm not even having normal cycles to be able to try. I don't know. It's been a hard day. I haven't had much motivation to do things. It's been an "Eeyore" kind of a day.
I am eternally grateful for my eternal marriage and the knowledge I have that I will one day get to hold my baby. But Oh how I wish that day were sooner than it is going to be. I know that my baby must have been special to have been called Home before she even got the chance to grow up. She must have had a lot more knowledge than her Mommy and fewer things to learn. There have been so many times that I have felt her close. But that hasn't lessened the pain of our family's loss.
I am so grateful for those of my friends who have opened up about their losses as well. For me, talking about losing Elizabeth has been helpful in healing. I know that for so many people miscarriage is a Taboo subject. I don't want it to be that way. My baby lived, even if it was just a short time. I don't want her to be forgotten. And she never will by me. And the pain of losing her will always be there. Another baby--though so desperately wanted--will never replace her or completely fill the hole in my heart.
And so, to those who may be silently struggling through the loss of a baby and feeling alone--I know I felt so very alone the first few weeks before people opened up--know that you are not alone. Don't be afraid to talk to others or share your feelings. It may help. I know it has for me.
I am breaking the silence. Elizabeth Hope Pond lived, and still lives on in my heart and in her Heavenly Home, where I will one day get a chance to hold her in my arms.
