The update I posted last month may not have been a complete update on our family last month when I updated our blog. It has been an emotional almost 18 months with our miscarriage and then trying to get all of my hormones regulated as I was dealing with the depression and trying to get pregnant again. We have spent a lot of time on our knees, trying to make sense of what happened and why, but also asking for the opportunity to expand our family.
In my last post, I said I was doing much better. Really, I am. Mentally and emotionally I haven't been better in a long time. And physically I am starting to feel better too. You see, we've been keeping a little secret for the past three months. We found out in May, after several months of tears and struggles, that I am pregnant, now 16 1/2 weeks along, due January 20, 2017.
The week we found out, we were working at getting our garden ready to plant. We had to dig out a lot of grass to do so. I did a lot of the work during the day while Jeff was at work. One day I was out working and I just felt off. I wondered if I was getting sick. My cycle wasn't late yet, so it was a completely logical thought. I had no reason to believe I was pregnant. But I had the nagging thought, "But what if I am?" The next morning, I was still feeling a little off and still had that thought, so I pulled a pregnancy test out of my drawer completely believing that there was no way it would be positive, even if by some miracle I was pregnant because I was still early. So I went about getting ready for the day while I waited. When I looked back down at the test, I was shocked. There was a faint line! Very faint, but there. I didn't believe it. I pulled out a different brand of test...it was also positive. And then, because I still didn't believe it, I pulled out a third brand of test (yes, I was one of THOSE. It probably has something to do with trying for so long.) That third test was also positive. I couldn't deny it after that. I was so happy, and couldn't wait for Jeff to get home. I wanted to tell him so bad, but that just isn't the kind of news you share over text. I was so grateful, and so excited.
But, I was also scared. I knew what could happen. I prayed so hard that day that everything would be okay with this baby and pregnancy. I was teaching piano lessons when Jeff got home. He went upstairs to change and turned on the TV. When I finished, I went upstairs and sat down next to him on the bed. I grabbed his hand, and whispered (because that's all the voice I could get out) as I put his hand on my tummy that I was pregnant. He was also excited to find out, though just as scared as I was. I had him give me a blessing, and I did feel that everything would go okay.
My morning sickness started the last week of May. I had never been so grateful to be sick in my life. never got to that point with the baby we lost. I wasn't looking forward to months of being sick, but knew that it was a blessing and helped me to breathe a little easier. I was able to mostly control it, as long as I stayed laying down. I had two miserable days of work, but two days were all that I had left of the school year when it started, so I was grateful for that. With Jackson, I was sick the entire school year.
I hadn't been nervous, at all, until I went to my first doctor's appointment. Where it was at the doctor I found out about our miscarriage, I really started freaking out that morning. I made Jeff take the day off work to go with me...because I was NOT going to be alone again. But, we were able to see a little heart beating in the ultrasound. I was so relieved, knowing that we had made it past that crucial point. I've had two appointments since that first one, and have been able to hear a good, strong heartbeat at each of them. Next month, we will find out if Jackson will get a little brother or sister in January.
I still worry on a daily basis, and pray for the health of this baby and myself. But I am so grateful. I'm grateful for the weeks of sickness I had. I'm grateful that now I'm functioning like a normal human being again, if with a bit less energy. Lol. I'm grateful that Jackson has been so good and is perfectly content to just play while I lay on the couch to rest, or even nap on occasion. I'm grateful that I have a good husband who never once complained (out loud anyway!) when he left for work in the morning with a messy kitchen/ house and came home do an even messier one, and just cleaned it up for me. My worry is lessening now, as I am starting to feel little flutters of movement. I wasn't wanting to let myself believe that's what it was until after I went to the doctor this week and heard the heart again.
I know that Heavenly Father always hears and answers prayers. It isn't always in our desired time frame, but He does when it is right for us. I am grateful that I am able to be a Mommy, and that we will be able to bring home another precious blessing in just a few more months.