Two months have passed since the nightmare of losing our baby. I have felt so much peace through the Gospel. I know that everything will be okay. I have still had some rough days, days where I've just needed to cry. And it has been hard knowing that I would have been almost far enough along in the pregnancy to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. When I got pregnant, I figured we would find out around my birthday or our anniversary--now next week or the week after. But many times I have felt the presence of my sweet baby. They are okay. They are happy. And that makes me happy. I also feel that, when the time is right and we are ready again, more babies will come to our family. I don't know when that will be. That isn't important right now. This whole experience has taught me to trust in the Lord and His perfect timing.
As of late, I have been trying to focus on being a better Mommy to Jackson. He is so much fun, and has quite the little personality. Another post is in the works all about Jackson--he just turned two, after all, and that is big news!
Jeff and I have also bought a house! I think that has helped too, giving me something to really look forward to. We close next week and then will move in. We are ready for this new adventure. After we get moved in and have things organized, I'll post some pictures and share our home with all of you. We're also looking forward to the "Christmas" we're going to have as we open all of the boxes that have been in storage for almost a year and finding things we forgot we had :)
All in all, our life is very good. We are happy. We are blessed. And we are so grateful for the peace the Gospel brings.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Monday, May 18, 2015
Heartbreak and Healing
Disclaimer: This post is extremely long. I won't be offended if you don't read it. It is more for me than anything, but I hope that it is one day able to help someone who is going through a similar situation.
Let me start off by saying that I'm not looking for sympathy. What happened, happened for a reason. What that reason is I have yet to figure out. I just know that it is something I want to share for one so I remember, but for another to maybe someday down the line, be able to help and lift another who is struggling. I have been editing this post for a while, trying to find the best way to put into words how I am feeling, and sharing it in a way that is best. I'm posting it now because I feel that I am at a place where I feel emotionally ready, but it has taken some time to get there. There have been times through this when I have felt so very alone, and I want to share because I know that I'm not the only one struggling and I want others going through the same thing to have something to look at to know what what they are feeling is normal, though not always easy. Part of the reason I've felt alone is because often times, women going through this are often silent. I want to end that silence and be a strength to others.
April 25, 2015
One month ago today, on March 25 we found out that I was pregnant. I was due around the end of November or the first of December. I was beyond excited. I was ready to be a Mommy again, to have another sweet baby to snuggle. Being pregnant is hard, but I was looking forward to feeling my sweet baby move inside me. I was crossing my fingers for a little girl, but would have been equally as happy to have another little boy to give Jackson a little brother to play with. We told our families using a sign I made for Jackson to hold that said "Every Superhero needs a sidekick and I get mine in November." They were excited too. Both grandmas told me I needed to have a girl to even things out, granddaughter #5 for the Ponds and #1 for the Goods. Of course, they would have been happy with a little boy too.
I went to the doctor on April 6, and when I had my ultrasound, everything looked good, it was just too early to see a heartbeat, so they scheduled me to go back in for another appointment two weeks later. That appointment was this past Monday, April 20. Jeff was at work and I left Jackson home with Mom and headed out. They called me into the ultrasound and started, and as I looked at the screen and the ultrasound tech got silent, I knew something was wrong. She asked if I'd had any spotting. No, of course I haven't. I'm very pregnant. My morning sickness is getting worse. I can't wear any of my regular pants and just went to the storage unit for my maternity clothes on Saturday. But as the ultrasound continued and I didn't see much at all on the screen, my heart started to fall. I didn't give up hope though. I couldn't. I went back out into the waiting room to wait for the doctor. But when I saw the look on the nurse's face when she called me back, I knew that it wasn't good news. I sat down in the room, and saw it written across the top of the paper. "Fetal demise." My heart was broken. What had happened? When had my sweet baby died? Why hadn't I had any symptoms of miscarriage? The doctor came in and offered condolences. He told me that it wasn't because of anything I'd done. These miscarriages are usually caused by chromosomal abnormalities that doesn't allow a baby to develop. He told me that we could wait to see what would happen, he could give me medicine to allow my body to start the process, or we could do surgery. I immediately said that I wanted to let my body do it on it's own. My mind was blank, and I didn't have any questions for him...at the time. He asked where my husband was. Still being fairly new at his job, he doesn't have time to take off to make it to every single appointment with me. It was so hard for me to be alone when I received that news though. I longed for him to be there holding my hand. He told me that if Jeff had been there, he would have told him that it will be harder on me that it will be on him, and to be patient with me.
I left the office, and called Mom to let her know that I was going to drive out to Melaleuca. It was Jeff's lunch, and I needed to be with him. I needed to tell him in person. I sobbed the entire way across town. Why did I have to be alone? When I pulled into the parking lot, Jeff ran out to the car. I told him that I'd miscarried, and we cried together. He held my hand as tears flowed down my face. At the end of his lunch, I left and drove home. Mom held me as I cried some more. I went and rocked my sweet little boy to put him down for his nap as I poured out my heart to Heavenly Father, pleading for comfort.
That afternoon, I got a call from my doctor. He had reviewed the ultrasound, and gotten the opinion of the radiologist as well, and he said that he wasn't 100% positive that it was a miscarriage, he wanted me to go have my blood drawn to check my hcg levels, and to go back on Wednesday for another test to see if they were going up or down. That gave me a little bit of hope. I got back in the car and drove back across town to have my blood drawn.
Monday night Jeff held me in his arms as I sobbed. I wanted this little baby so bad. I wanted it to be okay. I wanted this to be a bad dream. He gave me a blessing that brought me a bit of comfort, but my heart was still breaking. I took a sleeping pill to help me sleep through the night. I got up on Tuesday and went to work, but my mind wasn't there. I sat in my classroom through my lunch hour and planned out sub lessons in case my situation warranted taking next week off.
They called on Tuesday afternoon to give me the number. Around 48,000. My doctor called me that night to see how I was doing. I told him that I was hanging in there. He told me to come back in the next day to see what my levels were and we'd take it from there.
Tuesday night I again broke down in tears in Jeff's arms, thinking about and longing for all of the experiences I wouldn't have with my baby. I wouldn't feel it's movements inside of me. I wouldn't know if it was a boy or a girl. I wouldn't ever kiss it's sweet face, or smell it's new baby smell, or count it's fingers or toes. Jeff told me that we didn't know for sure that we'd lost the baby and not to give up yet. It was just so hard for me to even have the thought in my mind that I had likely lost my sweet baby. Once again, I took a sleeping pill so I could sleep.
Again on Wednesday, I was at work, but my heart wasn't. Neither was my mind. I drove numbly to the doctor's office for another blood draw after I got off. I was trying to hold out hope, but I think I knew deep down that my sweet baby was gone.
Thursday was such a long day. It had been such a long week already. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I went visiting teaching, when I saw my sweet companion, I told her what was going on. She said that she's been there too, and asked me to let her know when I found out. We went to the grocery store. Still no call. Waiting was so nerve-wracking. I think I knew when I hadn't heard anything that morning that it wasn't going to be good news, because my doctor had told me that he should have the results first thing in the morning, though I also knew that he was scheduled in surgery all day. Finally, about 3:00 I couldn't take it any more and I called the office. My level had dropped to around 43,000. The nurse put me on the schedule to see the doctor at 8:30 Friday morning so we could discuss my questions and go over what path I wanted to take. I hung up the phone, and sobbed harder than I think I've ever sobbed in my life. There it was in black and white. My sweet baby who I was so excited to meet, was gone. I never would have any of those experiences that I was looking forward to.
Jeff arranged to go into work late on Friday so he could go with my to visit the doctor. I knelt in prayer before we left asking for strength, telling my Father that I was done waiting, and asked Him what would be the best option for me, whether to take the medication and have the miscarriage at home or surgery. I felt that either option would be okay, that it was my choice. I told Jeff on our way out that I was done waiting. Emotionally, I couldn't take it any more. As the doctor discussed things with us, Jeff stepped up and said that we would go ahead with the surgery. I was scared, because I would be all alone. Having surgery is scary anyway, but the situation made it so much worse. But almost immediately I felt calm. I knew that it would be the best path for us. We scheduled the surgery for 3:00 pm (because I'd eaten breakfast and it needed to be 8 hours after I'd eaten anything) and came home to wait until we needed to leave to be to the hospital to check in 2 hours before my surgery. The day crawled on. I was nervous, but calm at the same time, if that makes sense. Probably not. I think I was just glad to know that my nightmare was almost over.
When we got to the hospital, I got all checked in and put in a room to wait. I read my scriptures and the Ensign while I waited while Jeff sat by my side and held my hand while he played on his phone. I had nurses coming in to take my vitals, and blood. And the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me about the anesthesia. I signed what I needed to, but really, everything went in one ear and out the other. We were both nervous, and really weren't looking forward to it. Finally I was wheeled back into pre-op and prepared for the surgery. When it was go time, I kissed Jeff goodbye and they took me back into the OR. They had me transfer onto the operating table, and covered me with some more warm blankets because I was freezing. They put the anesthesia into my IV, and the next thing I knew I was starting to hyper-ventilate because I was waking up and realized that my baby was gone. The nurse told me to breathe and at that moment I felt peace wash over me. Through the rest of the day I felt great peace. When they brought Jeff into the recovery room to see me, I told him what I'd felt. We sat and talked until they were ready to release me to come home. I felt so much peace. I can honestly say that I felt the sweet spirit of my little baby with me, letting me know that they were okay. That was such a comfort to me.
When we got home, Dad handed me a bouquet of flowers that my visiting teaching companion had brought over while I was gone. It was nice to feel that I wasn't so alone, that people were thinking of me. I was glad that I'd shared what I was going through with her. I didn't have any pain and felt good. I knew that I had made the right choice to have the surgery and that I would be able to start moving forward.
April 28, 2015
It's been a few days now. I've had some good days and some bad days.
Saturday started out okay. I was still feeling peace from Friday. Jeff's parents sent me a bouquet of white and yellow daisies that helped me to feel loved. However, as they day went on and I was doing my best to take care of Jackson as everyone else was working outside or getting dinner ready, I did a little too much and pulled something in my abdomen. I'd been told to take it easy, and I guess dragging a screaming toddler into his room to change a messy diaper doesn't qualify as "taking it easy." Up to that point, I hadn't had any physical pain, but as it set in and everyone else was still occupied with other things, I lost it. I had also been reading a book recommended to me by a friend, and in that book it stated that sometimes it helps grieving parents who have lost babies to be able to name their babies. That hurt my heart as well, because it was too soon to even know if we were expecting a boy or a girl, so I can't even give my baby a name. I wish I could, so I could refer to them with a name instead of just "the baby" or "my baby." That was the last straw for me. I had a break down. It was hard-core, ugly sobs. I physically didn't have strength to even stand up. I tried and I collapsed onto the chair just sobbing. Eventually, Jeff was able to help me up, but he practically had to carry me downstairs so we could be alone and talk and work through what I was feeling. It took me so long to calm down. I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe. And I wonder if I was starting to go into a type of shock because my entire body was shaking and I was shivering even though I wasn't cold. Finally I was able to find the words to ask him for a blessing and that helped calm me down.
Looking back on that event now, a few days later, I can see that I just needed to let myself grieve. I needed to mourn what I'd lost. Losing a child is not an easy thing, no matter when they were lost. I was only about seven weeks pregnant, but that doesn't make my pain less. I had already grown to love that sweet baby growing inside me. I was looking forward to so many things with that baby, and it felt like it had all been ripped away from me in an instant. I had a difficult time sleeping on Saturday night.
I woke up on Sunday and got ready for church. Dad said that he would go help Jeff teach our Sunbeams because I knew I didn't have the energy to go and teach those active three and four year-olds. I wasn't sure I even wanted to stay for all three hours of meetings. I knew, however, that I needed to take the sacrament. My mind wasn't very present in the meeting, except for during the musical number, I Believe in Christ. I do believe in Christ. Through Christ I will be able to hold my sweet little baby again, just not in this life as I had planned and wanted. The last talk also really spoke to me. It was about trusting in the Lord and His timing. That isn't necessarily an easy thing right now, as I wanted that baby so badly and couldn't understand why I wasn't given the opportunity to meet my baby. I laid my head on Jeff's shoulder and let my tears flow through the meeting. I did end up going to Sunday School and Relief Society, mostly because I didn't know if I could stand to be alone for two hours until the rest of the family got home. The mom of one of my Sunbeams sat next to me and asked if I was taking a Sabbatical from Sunbeams, so I told her why I was there. That afternoon, she had her daughter bring me a couple flowers they'd picked in their garden, some cookies, and a picture she'd drawn for me.
I was able to take a nap after church, and that helped to clear my mind. I needed that so much, especially since I hadn't slept much all week long. I felt a little better after I woke up. Jeff and I kept Jackson downstairs with us that evening and played with him. It was nice to be able to talk and communicate. We watched a movie as a family, which had a few spots that made me tear up, but it was nice to spend the time together. As he was playing, Jackson dug into his toy bucket and pulled out one of his baby teethers and brought it to us, grinning. He loved chewing on those little butterfly teethers when his teeth were coming in.That set me off. All of his baby toys would have been cleaned for our new baby. Of course Jackson didn't understand. He was just showing us one of his favorite toys he'd found. Jeff just held me as I cried.
During the night on Sunday, I woke up with horrible cramps. I had been sleeping, and woke up crying out in pain. I couldn't even move. Jeff got out of bed and got my ibuprofen and some crackers and water, then held me until the pain had dissipated enough for me to be able to move, then he laid and rubbed my back helping me relax to be able to fall back asleep. I am so grateful for him. That incident was the worst my physical pain has been.
Yesterday was a good day. I'm pretty well just taking it easy, because I know if I do too much I start to hurt, so I've let Jackson have way too much TV time, but I need to allow myself to fully recover so I can be a good Mommy again. I did a lot of indexing. The needed projects right now are obituaries, and I was able to handle that just fine. I can't do much, but that is one way that I can serve right now. I received another flower delivery yesterday, some beautiful purple roses and a yellow daisy. The card was unsigned, other than my favorite quite from President Hinckley, "Don't get discouraged. Things will work out." I had that quote written inside the front cover of my scriptures that I had on my mission. It was a reminder that I needed. Things will work out. It's hard right now. But it will all be okay.
I'm taking this week off work, to allow myself time to physically recover, but start healing emotionally as well. Granted, now that I would have had one of my days of work finished already I really don't think I would have had physical energy to go today. Yesterday I was exhausted after simply taking a shower. Today I made it as far as taking a walk and helping get dinner in the crock-pot before I crashed. But I crashed hard this afternoon. If I'd been in my bed instead of on the couch I would have probably slept for a few hours. I'll just go to bed early tonight. And I am still in physical pain as well. I can control it with ibuprofen and it is very manageable. It is a hard reminder for me, however, of the sweet baby that I lost.
I'm working through the grieving process. The Gospel is helping me and bringing me strength. I can't imagine going through this loss without the knowledge that I will be able to hold my sweet baby someday. And, as I have given it lots of thought over the past days, I have realized that I am so blessed that Heavenly Father chose me to bring that sweet spirit to earth. All that sweet baby needed was a body. They didn't actually need to live on the earth. My sweet baby was a choice spirit. Heavenly Father has an important work for them to do on the other side. I know that I have been inspired to be more faithful. I've always known that I wanted to return to the Celestial Kingdom after I pass from this life, but now... I have to. My baby is there, and I know they are, because they lived a perfect life. And they are so blessed. My baby will never know pain. Never know sorrow. Never know anger, or hate, or any of the tragedies that come along with life. My baby will only know happiness and love, because that is all I felt as I carried my sweet baby for those few weeks that I knew I was. My baby sent to teach me faith, and perseverance, and I'm sure many other lessons that I have yet to learn.
I will get through this. Last week was hell. There is no other way to put it. Knowing that I was carrying a dead baby...I've never felt anything worse. I've never felt lower, or weaker. The peace I felt on Friday was relieving. That was short lived as I broke down again on Saturday and Sunday. But yesterday and today have been good days. I realize that I will probably still have bad days as well. There will be things that touch a tender string in my heart and set me off again. This morning I was watching a show and a commercial put me in tears.
I have a wonderful husband by my side, and a handsome little boy who is always so happy. Jackson doesn't understand why Mommy is sad, but someday this will help us better teach our children about the Plan of Salvation. Jeff has been wonderful for me. He has been patient and understanding and supportive. He's held me as I've cried. He's rubbed my back and my feet to help me relax. He's given me numerous blessings. I am so grateful for my parents as well for the help they've given us this past week. My mom has tended to Jackson's needs much more than I have this week. Though I'm starting to feel more human now, I still need to heal and still need help, and I'm grateful that I have constant help. I have also felt prayers offered up by many people. That has brought a lot of strength as well.
Later
More time has passed. It has now been four weeks since I got the devastating news that I had miscarried. I am physically healing. My pain now is gone. There is nothing to physically indicate that I was even pregnant. Immediately after surgery I was able to wear my regular pants again. The bleeding has stopped. Most people I know will never know about my sweet baby. That does break my heart, but I will never forget. I have been able to get down on the floor and play with Jackson again and take him for walks which he loves. My energy is back and I am able to do everything I need to.
More importantly, however, is the fact that I am emotionally healing. Finding out that I had lost a baby was hands down the hardest thing that I have ever gone through in my life. It took me quite a while to find myself again. I was simply existing, methodically going through each day. I would get out of bed when Jackson woke up, and take care of him all day, as much as I could from the couch anyway. When Jeff got home, I would turn responsibility of Jackson back over to him. Most days I would take a nap, because I just didn't have energy to make it through the day otherwise. Knowing that I have struggled with depression in the past, usually when emotionally difficult things have come my way, I was worried. Really worried. I didn't want to go down that road again, because I know how hard it is to come back. But now, I can honestly say that I don't think I'm at risk of going there. I credit a loving husband and lots of prayer. I have had a very good support system, and that has helped me a lot. Of course there have still been times when I have felt so alone. I've had some really rough days. But I've started having some good days as well.
I can honestly say that I have felt joy again. At first, I didn't know it would be possible. It seemed my world had ended. But last Saturday, spending the day with my little family at the zoo, I felt joy. Jeff and Jackson are my life. They are what truly bring me joy. I laughed for the first time in two weeks that day, and it felt good.
My faith has been tested and tried through this, and it has been strengthened. I know it has. I am so grateful for a temple marriage that gives me that assurance that as I live my life in accordance with the Gospel, I will be able to return Home again and be able to hold my little baby in my arms. I am grateful for personal revelation that has allowed me to know without a doubt that my baby is okay.
I have learned a lot about myself the past few weeks. And I am grateful for what I have learned. The way in which I had to learn these things have been hard. I wish it could have been learned in a different way. But it couldn't. Right now I don't understand why, but someday I will. I have a loving Heavenly Father who can see the big picture of things, and He knows why everything fits into our lives in the way that it does.
I have still had bad days. Some days, I just need to let myself cry. I am trying to be strong, and I'm trying to put on a happy face, but there are days that are hard. Mother's Day was really hard for me, because I should have been far enough along to be able to announce that I was going to be a Mommy again, and that really hurt. I snapped as we were on our way out the door to church, and had a rough time through the whole block of meetings. I came home and wrote out my feelings in my journal and took a nap and felt better. I have found that expressing all of my feelings really helps me. I can't keep things bottled up inside. It is hard for Jeff to see me still hurting, but I am so grateful for the patience he has shown me through all of this.
Physically, I am fine. I feel like I am back to my normal self. However, it will take me time to completely heal emotionally. I have had some special experiences that have brought me a lot of peace and comfort. The past week has been really good. The last time I needed to cry was on Mother's Day. Instead of putting on a happy face, I have felt happier. I know I'm not 100% healed yet, because I do still feel some sadness when I think about losing my baby, and I don't know if I ever will. But what I do know is that I can live with it, and that I am stronger because of it.
Jeff and I are went to the temple on Friday. That brought a lot of very needed peace. We hadn't been to the temple since before we found out I was expecting because the Idaho Falls Temple is closed for some remodeling, so it had been about two months, which is way too long. I left feeling rejuvenated. On Saturday we went to the Second Chance Prom and I was able to really let down my guard and just have fun. That was liberating.
As I sat in church yesterday, I knew that I was ready to finish this post and put it out there. The closing hymn was "More Holiness Give Me."
These lyrics spoke to me right now. I've realized that this trial was given to me to help me be more like the Savior. I do feel stronger than I did four weeks ago. I've learned things about myself that I couldn't have learned any other way. And I am grateful for that. My Savior has suffered for me so that I am able to overcome this.
The Gospel is true. Without it, I would be so lost right now. This experience has strengthened my faith in my Savior and my testimony of the Plan of Salvation. Without a doubt, I know it is true. One day, when my time on earth is finished (and I hope it won't be for many, many years) I will be able to take my baby into my arms and hold them. My choice is to, instead of longing for what could have been, focus on the many blessings I have been given, because there are so many. In Heavenly Father's due time I will be able to add to my family. But for right now, I have a wonderful little boy and amazing husband who love me and who I love more than life itself. We are an eternal family, with one child here and one sweet Angel looking down on us from above.
Let me start off by saying that I'm not looking for sympathy. What happened, happened for a reason. What that reason is I have yet to figure out. I just know that it is something I want to share for one so I remember, but for another to maybe someday down the line, be able to help and lift another who is struggling. I have been editing this post for a while, trying to find the best way to put into words how I am feeling, and sharing it in a way that is best. I'm posting it now because I feel that I am at a place where I feel emotionally ready, but it has taken some time to get there. There have been times through this when I have felt so very alone, and I want to share because I know that I'm not the only one struggling and I want others going through the same thing to have something to look at to know what what they are feeling is normal, though not always easy. Part of the reason I've felt alone is because often times, women going through this are often silent. I want to end that silence and be a strength to others.
April 25, 2015
One month ago today, on March 25 we found out that I was pregnant. I was due around the end of November or the first of December. I was beyond excited. I was ready to be a Mommy again, to have another sweet baby to snuggle. Being pregnant is hard, but I was looking forward to feeling my sweet baby move inside me. I was crossing my fingers for a little girl, but would have been equally as happy to have another little boy to give Jackson a little brother to play with. We told our families using a sign I made for Jackson to hold that said "Every Superhero needs a sidekick and I get mine in November." They were excited too. Both grandmas told me I needed to have a girl to even things out, granddaughter #5 for the Ponds and #1 for the Goods. Of course, they would have been happy with a little boy too.
I went to the doctor on April 6, and when I had my ultrasound, everything looked good, it was just too early to see a heartbeat, so they scheduled me to go back in for another appointment two weeks later. That appointment was this past Monday, April 20. Jeff was at work and I left Jackson home with Mom and headed out. They called me into the ultrasound and started, and as I looked at the screen and the ultrasound tech got silent, I knew something was wrong. She asked if I'd had any spotting. No, of course I haven't. I'm very pregnant. My morning sickness is getting worse. I can't wear any of my regular pants and just went to the storage unit for my maternity clothes on Saturday. But as the ultrasound continued and I didn't see much at all on the screen, my heart started to fall. I didn't give up hope though. I couldn't. I went back out into the waiting room to wait for the doctor. But when I saw the look on the nurse's face when she called me back, I knew that it wasn't good news. I sat down in the room, and saw it written across the top of the paper. "Fetal demise." My heart was broken. What had happened? When had my sweet baby died? Why hadn't I had any symptoms of miscarriage? The doctor came in and offered condolences. He told me that it wasn't because of anything I'd done. These miscarriages are usually caused by chromosomal abnormalities that doesn't allow a baby to develop. He told me that we could wait to see what would happen, he could give me medicine to allow my body to start the process, or we could do surgery. I immediately said that I wanted to let my body do it on it's own. My mind was blank, and I didn't have any questions for him...at the time. He asked where my husband was. Still being fairly new at his job, he doesn't have time to take off to make it to every single appointment with me. It was so hard for me to be alone when I received that news though. I longed for him to be there holding my hand. He told me that if Jeff had been there, he would have told him that it will be harder on me that it will be on him, and to be patient with me.
I left the office, and called Mom to let her know that I was going to drive out to Melaleuca. It was Jeff's lunch, and I needed to be with him. I needed to tell him in person. I sobbed the entire way across town. Why did I have to be alone? When I pulled into the parking lot, Jeff ran out to the car. I told him that I'd miscarried, and we cried together. He held my hand as tears flowed down my face. At the end of his lunch, I left and drove home. Mom held me as I cried some more. I went and rocked my sweet little boy to put him down for his nap as I poured out my heart to Heavenly Father, pleading for comfort.
That afternoon, I got a call from my doctor. He had reviewed the ultrasound, and gotten the opinion of the radiologist as well, and he said that he wasn't 100% positive that it was a miscarriage, he wanted me to go have my blood drawn to check my hcg levels, and to go back on Wednesday for another test to see if they were going up or down. That gave me a little bit of hope. I got back in the car and drove back across town to have my blood drawn.
Monday night Jeff held me in his arms as I sobbed. I wanted this little baby so bad. I wanted it to be okay. I wanted this to be a bad dream. He gave me a blessing that brought me a bit of comfort, but my heart was still breaking. I took a sleeping pill to help me sleep through the night. I got up on Tuesday and went to work, but my mind wasn't there. I sat in my classroom through my lunch hour and planned out sub lessons in case my situation warranted taking next week off.
They called on Tuesday afternoon to give me the number. Around 48,000. My doctor called me that night to see how I was doing. I told him that I was hanging in there. He told me to come back in the next day to see what my levels were and we'd take it from there.
Tuesday night I again broke down in tears in Jeff's arms, thinking about and longing for all of the experiences I wouldn't have with my baby. I wouldn't feel it's movements inside of me. I wouldn't know if it was a boy or a girl. I wouldn't ever kiss it's sweet face, or smell it's new baby smell, or count it's fingers or toes. Jeff told me that we didn't know for sure that we'd lost the baby and not to give up yet. It was just so hard for me to even have the thought in my mind that I had likely lost my sweet baby. Once again, I took a sleeping pill so I could sleep.
Again on Wednesday, I was at work, but my heart wasn't. Neither was my mind. I drove numbly to the doctor's office for another blood draw after I got off. I was trying to hold out hope, but I think I knew deep down that my sweet baby was gone.
Thursday was such a long day. It had been such a long week already. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I went visiting teaching, when I saw my sweet companion, I told her what was going on. She said that she's been there too, and asked me to let her know when I found out. We went to the grocery store. Still no call. Waiting was so nerve-wracking. I think I knew when I hadn't heard anything that morning that it wasn't going to be good news, because my doctor had told me that he should have the results first thing in the morning, though I also knew that he was scheduled in surgery all day. Finally, about 3:00 I couldn't take it any more and I called the office. My level had dropped to around 43,000. The nurse put me on the schedule to see the doctor at 8:30 Friday morning so we could discuss my questions and go over what path I wanted to take. I hung up the phone, and sobbed harder than I think I've ever sobbed in my life. There it was in black and white. My sweet baby who I was so excited to meet, was gone. I never would have any of those experiences that I was looking forward to.
Jeff arranged to go into work late on Friday so he could go with my to visit the doctor. I knelt in prayer before we left asking for strength, telling my Father that I was done waiting, and asked Him what would be the best option for me, whether to take the medication and have the miscarriage at home or surgery. I felt that either option would be okay, that it was my choice. I told Jeff on our way out that I was done waiting. Emotionally, I couldn't take it any more. As the doctor discussed things with us, Jeff stepped up and said that we would go ahead with the surgery. I was scared, because I would be all alone. Having surgery is scary anyway, but the situation made it so much worse. But almost immediately I felt calm. I knew that it would be the best path for us. We scheduled the surgery for 3:00 pm (because I'd eaten breakfast and it needed to be 8 hours after I'd eaten anything) and came home to wait until we needed to leave to be to the hospital to check in 2 hours before my surgery. The day crawled on. I was nervous, but calm at the same time, if that makes sense. Probably not. I think I was just glad to know that my nightmare was almost over.
When we got to the hospital, I got all checked in and put in a room to wait. I read my scriptures and the Ensign while I waited while Jeff sat by my side and held my hand while he played on his phone. I had nurses coming in to take my vitals, and blood. And the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me about the anesthesia. I signed what I needed to, but really, everything went in one ear and out the other. We were both nervous, and really weren't looking forward to it. Finally I was wheeled back into pre-op and prepared for the surgery. When it was go time, I kissed Jeff goodbye and they took me back into the OR. They had me transfer onto the operating table, and covered me with some more warm blankets because I was freezing. They put the anesthesia into my IV, and the next thing I knew I was starting to hyper-ventilate because I was waking up and realized that my baby was gone. The nurse told me to breathe and at that moment I felt peace wash over me. Through the rest of the day I felt great peace. When they brought Jeff into the recovery room to see me, I told him what I'd felt. We sat and talked until they were ready to release me to come home. I felt so much peace. I can honestly say that I felt the sweet spirit of my little baby with me, letting me know that they were okay. That was such a comfort to me.
When we got home, Dad handed me a bouquet of flowers that my visiting teaching companion had brought over while I was gone. It was nice to feel that I wasn't so alone, that people were thinking of me. I was glad that I'd shared what I was going through with her. I didn't have any pain and felt good. I knew that I had made the right choice to have the surgery and that I would be able to start moving forward.
April 28, 2015
It's been a few days now. I've had some good days and some bad days.
Saturday started out okay. I was still feeling peace from Friday. Jeff's parents sent me a bouquet of white and yellow daisies that helped me to feel loved. However, as they day went on and I was doing my best to take care of Jackson as everyone else was working outside or getting dinner ready, I did a little too much and pulled something in my abdomen. I'd been told to take it easy, and I guess dragging a screaming toddler into his room to change a messy diaper doesn't qualify as "taking it easy." Up to that point, I hadn't had any physical pain, but as it set in and everyone else was still occupied with other things, I lost it. I had also been reading a book recommended to me by a friend, and in that book it stated that sometimes it helps grieving parents who have lost babies to be able to name their babies. That hurt my heart as well, because it was too soon to even know if we were expecting a boy or a girl, so I can't even give my baby a name. I wish I could, so I could refer to them with a name instead of just "the baby" or "my baby." That was the last straw for me. I had a break down. It was hard-core, ugly sobs. I physically didn't have strength to even stand up. I tried and I collapsed onto the chair just sobbing. Eventually, Jeff was able to help me up, but he practically had to carry me downstairs so we could be alone and talk and work through what I was feeling. It took me so long to calm down. I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe. And I wonder if I was starting to go into a type of shock because my entire body was shaking and I was shivering even though I wasn't cold. Finally I was able to find the words to ask him for a blessing and that helped calm me down.
Looking back on that event now, a few days later, I can see that I just needed to let myself grieve. I needed to mourn what I'd lost. Losing a child is not an easy thing, no matter when they were lost. I was only about seven weeks pregnant, but that doesn't make my pain less. I had already grown to love that sweet baby growing inside me. I was looking forward to so many things with that baby, and it felt like it had all been ripped away from me in an instant. I had a difficult time sleeping on Saturday night.
I woke up on Sunday and got ready for church. Dad said that he would go help Jeff teach our Sunbeams because I knew I didn't have the energy to go and teach those active three and four year-olds. I wasn't sure I even wanted to stay for all three hours of meetings. I knew, however, that I needed to take the sacrament. My mind wasn't very present in the meeting, except for during the musical number, I Believe in Christ. I do believe in Christ. Through Christ I will be able to hold my sweet little baby again, just not in this life as I had planned and wanted. The last talk also really spoke to me. It was about trusting in the Lord and His timing. That isn't necessarily an easy thing right now, as I wanted that baby so badly and couldn't understand why I wasn't given the opportunity to meet my baby. I laid my head on Jeff's shoulder and let my tears flow through the meeting. I did end up going to Sunday School and Relief Society, mostly because I didn't know if I could stand to be alone for two hours until the rest of the family got home. The mom of one of my Sunbeams sat next to me and asked if I was taking a Sabbatical from Sunbeams, so I told her why I was there. That afternoon, she had her daughter bring me a couple flowers they'd picked in their garden, some cookies, and a picture she'd drawn for me.
I was able to take a nap after church, and that helped to clear my mind. I needed that so much, especially since I hadn't slept much all week long. I felt a little better after I woke up. Jeff and I kept Jackson downstairs with us that evening and played with him. It was nice to be able to talk and communicate. We watched a movie as a family, which had a few spots that made me tear up, but it was nice to spend the time together. As he was playing, Jackson dug into his toy bucket and pulled out one of his baby teethers and brought it to us, grinning. He loved chewing on those little butterfly teethers when his teeth were coming in.That set me off. All of his baby toys would have been cleaned for our new baby. Of course Jackson didn't understand. He was just showing us one of his favorite toys he'd found. Jeff just held me as I cried.
During the night on Sunday, I woke up with horrible cramps. I had been sleeping, and woke up crying out in pain. I couldn't even move. Jeff got out of bed and got my ibuprofen and some crackers and water, then held me until the pain had dissipated enough for me to be able to move, then he laid and rubbed my back helping me relax to be able to fall back asleep. I am so grateful for him. That incident was the worst my physical pain has been.
Yesterday was a good day. I'm pretty well just taking it easy, because I know if I do too much I start to hurt, so I've let Jackson have way too much TV time, but I need to allow myself to fully recover so I can be a good Mommy again. I did a lot of indexing. The needed projects right now are obituaries, and I was able to handle that just fine. I can't do much, but that is one way that I can serve right now. I received another flower delivery yesterday, some beautiful purple roses and a yellow daisy. The card was unsigned, other than my favorite quite from President Hinckley, "Don't get discouraged. Things will work out." I had that quote written inside the front cover of my scriptures that I had on my mission. It was a reminder that I needed. Things will work out. It's hard right now. But it will all be okay.
I'm taking this week off work, to allow myself time to physically recover, but start healing emotionally as well. Granted, now that I would have had one of my days of work finished already I really don't think I would have had physical energy to go today. Yesterday I was exhausted after simply taking a shower. Today I made it as far as taking a walk and helping get dinner in the crock-pot before I crashed. But I crashed hard this afternoon. If I'd been in my bed instead of on the couch I would have probably slept for a few hours. I'll just go to bed early tonight. And I am still in physical pain as well. I can control it with ibuprofen and it is very manageable. It is a hard reminder for me, however, of the sweet baby that I lost.
I'm working through the grieving process. The Gospel is helping me and bringing me strength. I can't imagine going through this loss without the knowledge that I will be able to hold my sweet baby someday. And, as I have given it lots of thought over the past days, I have realized that I am so blessed that Heavenly Father chose me to bring that sweet spirit to earth. All that sweet baby needed was a body. They didn't actually need to live on the earth. My sweet baby was a choice spirit. Heavenly Father has an important work for them to do on the other side. I know that I have been inspired to be more faithful. I've always known that I wanted to return to the Celestial Kingdom after I pass from this life, but now... I have to. My baby is there, and I know they are, because they lived a perfect life. And they are so blessed. My baby will never know pain. Never know sorrow. Never know anger, or hate, or any of the tragedies that come along with life. My baby will only know happiness and love, because that is all I felt as I carried my sweet baby for those few weeks that I knew I was. My baby sent to teach me faith, and perseverance, and I'm sure many other lessons that I have yet to learn.
I will get through this. Last week was hell. There is no other way to put it. Knowing that I was carrying a dead baby...I've never felt anything worse. I've never felt lower, or weaker. The peace I felt on Friday was relieving. That was short lived as I broke down again on Saturday and Sunday. But yesterday and today have been good days. I realize that I will probably still have bad days as well. There will be things that touch a tender string in my heart and set me off again. This morning I was watching a show and a commercial put me in tears.
I have a wonderful husband by my side, and a handsome little boy who is always so happy. Jackson doesn't understand why Mommy is sad, but someday this will help us better teach our children about the Plan of Salvation. Jeff has been wonderful for me. He has been patient and understanding and supportive. He's held me as I've cried. He's rubbed my back and my feet to help me relax. He's given me numerous blessings. I am so grateful for my parents as well for the help they've given us this past week. My mom has tended to Jackson's needs much more than I have this week. Though I'm starting to feel more human now, I still need to heal and still need help, and I'm grateful that I have constant help. I have also felt prayers offered up by many people. That has brought a lot of strength as well.
Later
More time has passed. It has now been four weeks since I got the devastating news that I had miscarried. I am physically healing. My pain now is gone. There is nothing to physically indicate that I was even pregnant. Immediately after surgery I was able to wear my regular pants again. The bleeding has stopped. Most people I know will never know about my sweet baby. That does break my heart, but I will never forget. I have been able to get down on the floor and play with Jackson again and take him for walks which he loves. My energy is back and I am able to do everything I need to.
More importantly, however, is the fact that I am emotionally healing. Finding out that I had lost a baby was hands down the hardest thing that I have ever gone through in my life. It took me quite a while to find myself again. I was simply existing, methodically going through each day. I would get out of bed when Jackson woke up, and take care of him all day, as much as I could from the couch anyway. When Jeff got home, I would turn responsibility of Jackson back over to him. Most days I would take a nap, because I just didn't have energy to make it through the day otherwise. Knowing that I have struggled with depression in the past, usually when emotionally difficult things have come my way, I was worried. Really worried. I didn't want to go down that road again, because I know how hard it is to come back. But now, I can honestly say that I don't think I'm at risk of going there. I credit a loving husband and lots of prayer. I have had a very good support system, and that has helped me a lot. Of course there have still been times when I have felt so alone. I've had some really rough days. But I've started having some good days as well.
I can honestly say that I have felt joy again. At first, I didn't know it would be possible. It seemed my world had ended. But last Saturday, spending the day with my little family at the zoo, I felt joy. Jeff and Jackson are my life. They are what truly bring me joy. I laughed for the first time in two weeks that day, and it felt good.
My faith has been tested and tried through this, and it has been strengthened. I know it has. I am so grateful for a temple marriage that gives me that assurance that as I live my life in accordance with the Gospel, I will be able to return Home again and be able to hold my little baby in my arms. I am grateful for personal revelation that has allowed me to know without a doubt that my baby is okay.
I have learned a lot about myself the past few weeks. And I am grateful for what I have learned. The way in which I had to learn these things have been hard. I wish it could have been learned in a different way. But it couldn't. Right now I don't understand why, but someday I will. I have a loving Heavenly Father who can see the big picture of things, and He knows why everything fits into our lives in the way that it does.
I have still had bad days. Some days, I just need to let myself cry. I am trying to be strong, and I'm trying to put on a happy face, but there are days that are hard. Mother's Day was really hard for me, because I should have been far enough along to be able to announce that I was going to be a Mommy again, and that really hurt. I snapped as we were on our way out the door to church, and had a rough time through the whole block of meetings. I came home and wrote out my feelings in my journal and took a nap and felt better. I have found that expressing all of my feelings really helps me. I can't keep things bottled up inside. It is hard for Jeff to see me still hurting, but I am so grateful for the patience he has shown me through all of this.
Physically, I am fine. I feel like I am back to my normal self. However, it will take me time to completely heal emotionally. I have had some special experiences that have brought me a lot of peace and comfort. The past week has been really good. The last time I needed to cry was on Mother's Day. Instead of putting on a happy face, I have felt happier. I know I'm not 100% healed yet, because I do still feel some sadness when I think about losing my baby, and I don't know if I ever will. But what I do know is that I can live with it, and that I am stronger because of it.
Jeff and I are went to the temple on Friday. That brought a lot of very needed peace. We hadn't been to the temple since before we found out I was expecting because the Idaho Falls Temple is closed for some remodeling, so it had been about two months, which is way too long. I left feeling rejuvenated. On Saturday we went to the Second Chance Prom and I was able to really let down my guard and just have fun. That was liberating.
As I sat in church yesterday, I knew that I was ready to finish this post and put it out there. The closing hymn was "More Holiness Give Me."
These lyrics spoke to me right now. I've realized that this trial was given to me to help me be more like the Savior. I do feel stronger than I did four weeks ago. I've learned things about myself that I couldn't have learned any other way. And I am grateful for that. My Savior has suffered for me so that I am able to overcome this.
The Gospel is true. Without it, I would be so lost right now. This experience has strengthened my faith in my Savior and my testimony of the Plan of Salvation. Without a doubt, I know it is true. One day, when my time on earth is finished (and I hope it won't be for many, many years) I will be able to take my baby into my arms and hold them. My choice is to, instead of longing for what could have been, focus on the many blessings I have been given, because there are so many. In Heavenly Father's due time I will be able to add to my family. But for right now, I have a wonderful little boy and amazing husband who love me and who I love more than life itself. We are an eternal family, with one child here and one sweet Angel looking down on us from above.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Recent Happenings
It has been over six months since I last updated our blog. Life is good. Jackson is growing up so fast. Just 2 more months until he will be two. He is a wonderful little boy. He loves playing with trains and cars, and playing outside. Oh boy does he love playing outside. He would spend all day from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed outside if we'd let him. The Easter Bunny brought him a bubble lawn mower and garden tools. He loves bubbles. We could blow bubbles all day long. He is always so excited when we tell him to go get his shoes because he knows that means going outside. He says new words each week, and is constantly babbling. We can understand a lot of what he says. It is so fun watching him discover and learn new things every day. He has such a fun little personality.
We transitioned, or rather ripped off like a band-aid, Jackson out of his crib around Thanksgiving. He was crying one night, and Jeff walked in to find him hanging headfirst over the side. We took the mattress out that night, and Jeff and Dad built him a toddler bed for Christmas. He loves his big boy bed. When we tell him it's time to go night night, he will usually run and jump on his bed. Of course, after we close the door for the night he usually gets up and plays for a while before getting in bed and falling asleep for good, but he is pretty good about going to bed. He still enjoys his snuggles from Mommy, which I love. We cuddle and rock every day before his nap, and usually for a while before bed.
We are still living with Mom and Dad. It has been eight months now that we've been here. Yes, we miss having our own space, but we do appreciate the help we've received to allow us to save money. We hope to soon have enough saved up to be able to have enough saved for our own home. We do enjoy our ward though. Of course, this is the ward I grew up in so I know many of the people who live here, but Jeff has also been able to get to know some people. He was called to teach Sunbeams with me, so together we have 7-9 active Sunbeams each Sunday. It is sometimes a bit of a challenge, but we love the sweet spirit each child has.
Jackson started nursery right after Christmas, and he is finally starting to like it. This past Sunday was our first Sunday without tears. Big progress right there folks! We have an appointment to take our little man to see a gastroenterologist at Primary Children's Hospital in a few weeks. He's never been a big eater, but was on antibiotics for an ear infection a couple months ago and actually ate well and asked for more for the first time in his life. But that only lasted for about a week and a half. Last year we had him in the doctor for what was thought to be a viral something or other in his gut, but it wasn't ever really resolved. Our pediatrician wants to be safe rather than sorry and feels that a second opinion is best, to see if maybe he has some sort of bacterial infection in his gut. It will be nice to have the peace of mind at the very least.
Jeff still enjoys his job at Melaleuca. He has been there for about seven months now. It has been good for him to be able to use his mission French. That's been fun for him.
I still enjoy teaching music at the elementary school too. I've only got another month left of the school year until I am done with that though. We'll see what happens next year whether or not I go back and teach again. I do miss teaching full-time, but I hate leaving Jackson on the days that I work. I've always wanted to be a stay at home Mommy. That is where I'm truly happy.
Life is good. We are grateful for what we have and where we've come.
We transitioned, or rather ripped off like a band-aid, Jackson out of his crib around Thanksgiving. He was crying one night, and Jeff walked in to find him hanging headfirst over the side. We took the mattress out that night, and Jeff and Dad built him a toddler bed for Christmas. He loves his big boy bed. When we tell him it's time to go night night, he will usually run and jump on his bed. Of course, after we close the door for the night he usually gets up and plays for a while before getting in bed and falling asleep for good, but he is pretty good about going to bed. He still enjoys his snuggles from Mommy, which I love. We cuddle and rock every day before his nap, and usually for a while before bed.
We are still living with Mom and Dad. It has been eight months now that we've been here. Yes, we miss having our own space, but we do appreciate the help we've received to allow us to save money. We hope to soon have enough saved up to be able to have enough saved for our own home. We do enjoy our ward though. Of course, this is the ward I grew up in so I know many of the people who live here, but Jeff has also been able to get to know some people. He was called to teach Sunbeams with me, so together we have 7-9 active Sunbeams each Sunday. It is sometimes a bit of a challenge, but we love the sweet spirit each child has.
Jackson started nursery right after Christmas, and he is finally starting to like it. This past Sunday was our first Sunday without tears. Big progress right there folks! We have an appointment to take our little man to see a gastroenterologist at Primary Children's Hospital in a few weeks. He's never been a big eater, but was on antibiotics for an ear infection a couple months ago and actually ate well and asked for more for the first time in his life. But that only lasted for about a week and a half. Last year we had him in the doctor for what was thought to be a viral something or other in his gut, but it wasn't ever really resolved. Our pediatrician wants to be safe rather than sorry and feels that a second opinion is best, to see if maybe he has some sort of bacterial infection in his gut. It will be nice to have the peace of mind at the very least.
Jeff still enjoys his job at Melaleuca. He has been there for about seven months now. It has been good for him to be able to use his mission French. That's been fun for him.
I still enjoy teaching music at the elementary school too. I've only got another month left of the school year until I am done with that though. We'll see what happens next year whether or not I go back and teach again. I do miss teaching full-time, but I hate leaving Jackson on the days that I work. I've always wanted to be a stay at home Mommy. That is where I'm truly happy.
Life is good. We are grateful for what we have and where we've come.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Life Changes
We have been in Idaho Falls for almost a month and a half, and life is good. We feel very blessed, and know that moving here was definitely the right decision for our family.
Moving was mostly uneventful. I thought I'd lost the key to the lock for Jeff's barbeque grill, but I found it just before we closed up the truck and we were able to squeeze it in. The truck was packed to the brim, as was our van, Jeff's car, and his mom's car. Jeff's parents drove up with us to help us get both of our vehicles up there, as Jeff needed to drive the truck. We were very grateful for their help. We had a few friends, and Jeff's family help us load up the truck down there, and we were able to get it all done quickly and were on the road earlier than we planned. It was a good drive up. Mom and Dad had arranged for help for us to unload our truck here at the house and at the storage unit so we could store everything there's not room for here at the house. Of course, there are things that we stuck in storage that, in hindsight, probably shouldn't have been, but we've tried finding them and they are nowhere in sight, and likely at the bottom/ back of a huge pile of boxes (we've got a 10' x 15' unit filled). Oh well :)
We have settled into life here. Jackson loves having a dog totorture play with every day. He loves feeding Bear and throwing balls to him (or at least in the general direction where he is). Often, he will walk around the house calling for "Beah" as he looks for the dog to play with.
The week we moved, I went to training to be a substitute teacher, and then later that day, I was called and offered a position as a part-time music teacher because they were short a few. Jeff and I saw this as a blessing, as he was still looking for work and this would allow us to have some money coming in to cover our insurance, car payment, storage unit, and diapers for the little man. I am loving being back in a classroom again, and 2 days a week is perfect because it still lets me be a Mommy, which is what I have always wanted to do.
I have also been called to teach the sunbeams. I'm enjoying that. Well...I should say I think I'm enjoying that. I've only taught like twice, and one of those times was before I was actually called because they needed a sub to fill in so they called and asked me. I was there for two weeks, then we were in Utah, then Kesha's homecoming so we left after Sacrament Meeting, then it was General Conference. I'll be there this week though, and apparently have a new child in the class. They are an active bunch, but we have fun.
Jeff had several interviews in the first few weeks we were here. Two weeks after we moved in, Jeff got a call offering him a job at Melaleuca as a French-speaking call center representative. He is thrilled to be able to use his French again. He started a week later, and has been there for 3 weeks now. He is coming home from work so happy every day. He came home from his first day of work with the news that our insurance would be effective October 1. We had been under the impression that it wouldn't take effect until he'd been there for 3 months. Jeff came home today and said that he's completed his first phase of training. He's got another couple phases to go through, but they're going to move him out of the training location into the main call center for a week or so to let him really practice what he's learned so far.
We have had blessing after blessing come our way since making the decision to move. It was terrifying, moving without a job or knowing what would come our way. But we felt in our hearts that it was right, and we have had that manifest to us as the blessings have been pouring in.
Jackson is growing up so fast! He started walking the week before we moved, and now he is running all over the place! He can say so many words now too. There's the typical "mama" and "dada." And he can say "Bear." And what toddler can't say "no." He also says "yes" and "what's that?" and "up." We've been trying to get him to say "Mmm, dingy that's good" because that's what Grandpa Jack used to always say and we have to have him follow in the footsteps of his namesake, and the other day when I got home from work, Mom told me that he said "Mmm dood," and I've heard him say it a couple times. I don't remember what we were talking about, but last night at dinner we were saying "Duh" to LaKesha, and he followed suit with a great big "Duuh!" It was SO funny! We all about died laughing. Today after lunch, I reached over to tickle his feet while he was sitting in his high chair, and he said "Tickle!" He's a smart little guy!
He's finally starting to put on some weight too. We had him in the doctor after we moved up here because he was running a fever and not eating and we wanted to make sure he didn't have a nasty virus going around and he didn't even weigh 17 lbs (it was a clothed weight, but just barely 17 lbs) and at his 15 month check last week he was 18.5. Woo-hoo! Finally! He's just a skinny little bean-pole :)
Life is good. We are happy. We're going to continue living with my parents for the time being so we can save money and hopefully be able to get into a house within the next year or so. It's a full house, but we have fun, and we've got our own little oasis in our room with our TV set up so we can watch movies whenever we want to. It's a pretty good set up. We're pitching in a bit to help with groceries, which is more than fair!
Moving was mostly uneventful. I thought I'd lost the key to the lock for Jeff's barbeque grill, but I found it just before we closed up the truck and we were able to squeeze it in. The truck was packed to the brim, as was our van, Jeff's car, and his mom's car. Jeff's parents drove up with us to help us get both of our vehicles up there, as Jeff needed to drive the truck. We were very grateful for their help. We had a few friends, and Jeff's family help us load up the truck down there, and we were able to get it all done quickly and were on the road earlier than we planned. It was a good drive up. Mom and Dad had arranged for help for us to unload our truck here at the house and at the storage unit so we could store everything there's not room for here at the house. Of course, there are things that we stuck in storage that, in hindsight, probably shouldn't have been, but we've tried finding them and they are nowhere in sight, and likely at the bottom/ back of a huge pile of boxes (we've got a 10' x 15' unit filled). Oh well :)
We have settled into life here. Jackson loves having a dog to
The week we moved, I went to training to be a substitute teacher, and then later that day, I was called and offered a position as a part-time music teacher because they were short a few. Jeff and I saw this as a blessing, as he was still looking for work and this would allow us to have some money coming in to cover our insurance, car payment, storage unit, and diapers for the little man. I am loving being back in a classroom again, and 2 days a week is perfect because it still lets me be a Mommy, which is what I have always wanted to do.
I have also been called to teach the sunbeams. I'm enjoying that. Well...I should say I think I'm enjoying that. I've only taught like twice, and one of those times was before I was actually called because they needed a sub to fill in so they called and asked me. I was there for two weeks, then we were in Utah, then Kesha's homecoming so we left after Sacrament Meeting, then it was General Conference. I'll be there this week though, and apparently have a new child in the class. They are an active bunch, but we have fun.
Jeff had several interviews in the first few weeks we were here. Two weeks after we moved in, Jeff got a call offering him a job at Melaleuca as a French-speaking call center representative. He is thrilled to be able to use his French again. He started a week later, and has been there for 3 weeks now. He is coming home from work so happy every day. He came home from his first day of work with the news that our insurance would be effective October 1. We had been under the impression that it wouldn't take effect until he'd been there for 3 months. Jeff came home today and said that he's completed his first phase of training. He's got another couple phases to go through, but they're going to move him out of the training location into the main call center for a week or so to let him really practice what he's learned so far.
We have had blessing after blessing come our way since making the decision to move. It was terrifying, moving without a job or knowing what would come our way. But we felt in our hearts that it was right, and we have had that manifest to us as the blessings have been pouring in.
Jackson is growing up so fast! He started walking the week before we moved, and now he is running all over the place! He can say so many words now too. There's the typical "mama" and "dada." And he can say "Bear." And what toddler can't say "no." He also says "yes" and "what's that?" and "up." We've been trying to get him to say "Mmm, dingy that's good" because that's what Grandpa Jack used to always say and we have to have him follow in the footsteps of his namesake, and the other day when I got home from work, Mom told me that he said "Mmm dood," and I've heard him say it a couple times. I don't remember what we were talking about, but last night at dinner we were saying "Duh" to LaKesha, and he followed suit with a great big "Duuh!" It was SO funny! We all about died laughing. Today after lunch, I reached over to tickle his feet while he was sitting in his high chair, and he said "Tickle!" He's a smart little guy!
He's finally starting to put on some weight too. We had him in the doctor after we moved up here because he was running a fever and not eating and we wanted to make sure he didn't have a nasty virus going around and he didn't even weigh 17 lbs (it was a clothed weight, but just barely 17 lbs) and at his 15 month check last week he was 18.5. Woo-hoo! Finally! He's just a skinny little bean-pole :)
Life is good. We are happy. We're going to continue living with my parents for the time being so we can save money and hopefully be able to get into a house within the next year or so. It's a full house, but we have fun, and we've got our own little oasis in our room with our TV set up so we can watch movies whenever we want to. It's a pretty good set up. We're pitching in a bit to help with groceries, which is more than fair!
Sunday, August 24, 2014
We have a Walker!
I wasn't going to post again until after we'd moved, but this is big news!
For weeks, Jackson has been able to stand unassisted. He's loved walking with help for months. We've seen him take a few steps, but they were usually when no one was looking (or so he thought!)
On Tuesday, I was sitting on the floor packing boxes (because where else can I be found these days), and Jackson was playing when he stood up in the middle of the room without holding onto anything. That was a first. Of course, I let him know that I was proud of him and continued on working.
Then on Wednesday, I was busy working on...something. I have no idea what. I looked up at Jackson and he was WALKING across the living room. He stopped halfway to catch his balance on a toy, then continued on his way for what he wanted. I was thrilled...(and terrified, because of everything I have to do) and started cheering for him. He got so excited and was bouncing up and down and fell down. He got back up and walked over to me. Yep. It's official. He can walk.
And he can climb. Thursday morning I was packing up a box while he was playing the piano, which is nothing out of the ordinary. He loves to play Mommy's piano. But this time when I looked over and he was STANDING on TOP of the piano bench. Usually, when he does monkey things like that I grab my phone to take a picture, but this time I was so terrified he was going to fall and crack open his head on one of the many toys he had strewn around the room I just jumped up and grabbed him, being very careful not to yell out and scare him, causing him to fall.
Good heavens, my life just got even more complicated.
For weeks, Jackson has been able to stand unassisted. He's loved walking with help for months. We've seen him take a few steps, but they were usually when no one was looking (or so he thought!)
On Tuesday, I was sitting on the floor packing boxes (because where else can I be found these days), and Jackson was playing when he stood up in the middle of the room without holding onto anything. That was a first. Of course, I let him know that I was proud of him and continued on working.
Then on Wednesday, I was busy working on...something. I have no idea what. I looked up at Jackson and he was WALKING across the living room. He stopped halfway to catch his balance on a toy, then continued on his way for what he wanted. I was thrilled...(and terrified, because of everything I have to do) and started cheering for him. He got so excited and was bouncing up and down and fell down. He got back up and walked over to me. Yep. It's official. He can walk.
And he can climb. Thursday morning I was packing up a box while he was playing the piano, which is nothing out of the ordinary. He loves to play Mommy's piano. But this time when I looked over and he was STANDING on TOP of the piano bench. Usually, when he does monkey things like that I grab my phone to take a picture, but this time I was so terrified he was going to fall and crack open his head on one of the many toys he had strewn around the room I just jumped up and grabbed him, being very careful not to yell out and scare him, causing him to fall.
Good heavens, my life just got even more complicated.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Crazy Life
The past few weeks have been absolutely nuts. I don't have much time to write because I have a MILLION things I need to do, but I want to document this crazy time.
Jeff has been looking for a job for months. He has applied both in Idaho Falls and here in the Salt Lake Valley, so we can stay close to one of our families. He has applied for so many more jobs here in Salt Lake, but in comparison, the ration of interviews to applications has been SO much greater in Idaho Falls. We've just been hanging out, constantly filling out job applications and hoping for a job to come along soon. We still haven't had any luck, but we're hopeful.
Two weeks ago, we woke up to discover that Jeff's bike had been stolen overnight, then the next day we discovered that a neighbor had been stealing packages/ mail out of our mailbox. It was at that moment that we decided we need to move. After weighing our options and praying about it, we feel that we need to move to Idaho. We don't know where Jeff is going to find a job, but we have faith that it will work out. For the time being, we will be living in my parents' basement.
So, we have 2 weeks left here in Salt Lake. Our apartment is a crazy mess right now, with boxes and packing supplies and toys everywhere. We are working to get everything organized and ready to do. Most of our things will be in storage, so I'm sorting through things, deciding what we'll need (for an indefinite amount of time) and what will be fine sitting in a storage unit.
We really do have mixed feeling about leaving, because we have so many wonderful friends in our ward here who we will miss terribly. Jeff's family all live around here, and it has been fun getting together with them regularly and for Jackson to spend time with his cousins at all of the family get-togethers (he's got a cousin just 4 months older than he is and they like tosteal toys from play with each other.) It will be sad to leave them, and we'll have to come visit lots (good thing it's only 3 hours...though even that can be too long for Jackson at times).
But at the same time, my sister (who doesn't know we're moving up there, let alone moving in) gets home from her mission in 6 weeks, and she's never met Jackson, other than over Skype. It will be fun for her to be able to play with him and get to know him. We're looking forward to living in a place where we can take Jackson outside to play (the grass is too full of weeds here to do that, without going down to the park.)
All in all, we are looking forward to this new adventure, following what we feel is best in faith. We know that everything will work out exactly as it is supposed to and that we will be taken care of.
Now...back to packing :)
Jeff has been looking for a job for months. He has applied both in Idaho Falls and here in the Salt Lake Valley, so we can stay close to one of our families. He has applied for so many more jobs here in Salt Lake, but in comparison, the ration of interviews to applications has been SO much greater in Idaho Falls. We've just been hanging out, constantly filling out job applications and hoping for a job to come along soon. We still haven't had any luck, but we're hopeful.
Two weeks ago, we woke up to discover that Jeff's bike had been stolen overnight, then the next day we discovered that a neighbor had been stealing packages/ mail out of our mailbox. It was at that moment that we decided we need to move. After weighing our options and praying about it, we feel that we need to move to Idaho. We don't know where Jeff is going to find a job, but we have faith that it will work out. For the time being, we will be living in my parents' basement.
So, we have 2 weeks left here in Salt Lake. Our apartment is a crazy mess right now, with boxes and packing supplies and toys everywhere. We are working to get everything organized and ready to do. Most of our things will be in storage, so I'm sorting through things, deciding what we'll need (for an indefinite amount of time) and what will be fine sitting in a storage unit.
We really do have mixed feeling about leaving, because we have so many wonderful friends in our ward here who we will miss terribly. Jeff's family all live around here, and it has been fun getting together with them regularly and for Jackson to spend time with his cousins at all of the family get-togethers (he's got a cousin just 4 months older than he is and they like to
But at the same time, my sister (who doesn't know we're moving up there, let alone moving in) gets home from her mission in 6 weeks, and she's never met Jackson, other than over Skype. It will be fun for her to be able to play with him and get to know him. We're looking forward to living in a place where we can take Jackson outside to play (the grass is too full of weeds here to do that, without going down to the park.)
All in all, we are looking forward to this new adventure, following what we feel is best in faith. We know that everything will work out exactly as it is supposed to and that we will be taken care of.
Now...back to packing :)
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Our Baby is One!
Our crazy little Jackson Boy turned one yesterday. We can hardly believe how fast the year has gone! Jackson has progressed from being perfectly content to cuddle all day long to constantly moving! I swear that boy never stops! It wears me out just watching him!
He loves crawling. One of his favorite things to do is try and run away from us during church. Yesterday he almost escaped clear out the door of the Relief Society room before I could catch him! He laughs as he runs away from us when he knows we want him to come closer. He loves pushing anything around the room (paper, books, water bottles, you name it!) as if it's a car. He also loves walking, so long as he is holding onto our fingers or the furniture.
He absolutely loves playing with his toys. He had some favorites, but I think his birthday presents are gonna take the cake. Mommy and Daddy gave him clothes and books (BORING!!!) and a Little People school bus. He sat and played with that and pushed it around and pulled out the little people and bonked their heads and pushed buttons for a good 10 minutes today. And Grandpa made him a set of wooden blocks (just like I used to play with that my Grandpa had made my mom, that Jackson now plays with when we visit Grandma and Grandpa). When he saw those, he knew just what to do and immediately started trying to pull the blocks out to build with them. And Grandpa made him a wooden-block xylophone. He loves banging on that thing. Grandma and Grandpa also gave him one of those push-popper things, just to drive me crazy! Needless to say, I'm going to have a very noisy house now with all of these noise-maker toys. But I'm also going to have a happy little boy, so it is all worth it.
He loves to eat...so long as it isn't baby food. He'll eat anything of our food he can get his hands one. He LOVED his cake, and it was so fun to watch him dig in as soon as it was set down in front of him last night. He enjoys anything sweet...probably not the best thing to have him eating...but I have been told he needs to put on some weight...
He loves to eat...so long as it isn't baby food. He'll eat anything of our food he can get his hands one. He LOVED his cake, and it was so fun to watch him dig in as soon as it was set down in front of him last night. He enjoys anything sweet...probably not the best thing to have him eating...but I have been told he needs to put on some weight...
The little stinker would not take a nap yesterday. Okay, that's not entirely true. He slept for an hour before I had to wake him up for church, and for 40 minutes on the way to my grandma's for his party. But that is NOT enough sleep for a little boy, and then he didn't fall asleep until after 10:00 as we were playing games. There was too much going on...and he was probably wired from his cake! (home-made fun-fetti cake with home-made buttercream frosting. Yeah...I'm sure it was a sugar high) He woke up several times last night too, which was a real bummer for me, because I didn't get to bed til 2, and he woke up just was I was getting there, then again at 4, and at 5 when I gave up and brought him to bed for the last couple hours I could sleep, because his one year checkup was this morning.
Anyway, his checkup went well. He's still too skinny... as in the zero, yes, zero, percentile. I'm not too worried. He's gained almost 2 pounds in the past 3 months and my brother was...is...super skinny. He's in the 74th percentile for height. Tall and skinny. That's how we roll. He got to try real milk yesterday for the first time, mostly because I was out of formula and I wanted to try to get him to sleep. He LOVES that stuff! I need to go buy him whole milk to fatten him up :). He got his shots today too and screamed, until I put his shoes on. He knows that he only gets his shoes on when we go outside, so that cheered him up. (We went to the zoo after the doctor today).
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Slaving Away
Managing the apartments certainly has it's perks. I get to stay home with Jackson and just be a Mommy every day. Our rent is super cheap. Plus, we live in the BEST ward and have so many friends. But lately I've been seeing the downside of managing.
We've recently had 3 apartments vacated. They are disgusting. I honestly don't know how people can stand to live in such filth.
For example: One of the apartments had huge holes punched in the drywall. There was black mold all over the bathroom. There were black, black hand prints all over the walls. One of the apartments had burnt food crusted all over the oven--took me 2 hours to get it clean. I had to physically pick things up off the entire floor before I could vacuum. There was food left in the fridge. One of the apartments had meat that had leaked in the fridge and there was a thick layer of blood in the bottom. There was crayon, sharpie, cat hair, old gum, and boogers all over the walls. There were cobwebs everywhere. And it was infested with roaches.
As managers, we are the lucky ones who get to clean these apartments. Yes, we get paid extra for doing so. (Basically, our rent this month will be free). I have spent days on end for 3 weeks now cleaning these apartments. We are almost done. I really think we'll be done today. I hope we'll be done today. We have another project outside that we need to do--laying down new weed block fabric and covering it with bark--that we want to get done this weekend.
Can I just say that I am ready for a break? To have time to clean my own messes? To just be a mommy and play with my boy instead of trapping him in the playpen while we work, or locking him in the apartment with the monitor with us while he sleeps? Soon. Then I get to do it all over again at the first of next month when we have another tenant move out. Oh goody. :)
We've recently had 3 apartments vacated. They are disgusting. I honestly don't know how people can stand to live in such filth.
For example: One of the apartments had huge holes punched in the drywall. There was black mold all over the bathroom. There were black, black hand prints all over the walls. One of the apartments had burnt food crusted all over the oven--took me 2 hours to get it clean. I had to physically pick things up off the entire floor before I could vacuum. There was food left in the fridge. One of the apartments had meat that had leaked in the fridge and there was a thick layer of blood in the bottom. There was crayon, sharpie, cat hair, old gum, and boogers all over the walls. There were cobwebs everywhere. And it was infested with roaches.
As managers, we are the lucky ones who get to clean these apartments. Yes, we get paid extra for doing so. (Basically, our rent this month will be free). I have spent days on end for 3 weeks now cleaning these apartments. We are almost done. I really think we'll be done today. I hope we'll be done today. We have another project outside that we need to do--laying down new weed block fabric and covering it with bark--that we want to get done this weekend.
Can I just say that I am ready for a break? To have time to clean my own messes? To just be a mommy and play with my boy instead of trapping him in the playpen while we work, or locking him in the apartment with the monitor with us while he sleeps? Soon. Then I get to do it all over again at the first of next month when we have another tenant move out. Oh goody. :)
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Eleven Months
Jackson is growing so fast! Less than a month until he will be a year old. I can hardly believe how fast it's gone. He is a little ball of energy. Sometimes it wears me out just to watch him. He wakes up in the morning and is ready to play first thing. Some days he only takes one nap (but he is much more pleasant with two.)
He still loves walking with help. He has been able to balance himself on his feet by himself a couple times, once for over 10 seconds! It won't be long until he is walking. It is so cute when he wears his shoes and we help him walk. He picks his feet up super high and then stomps them back down. He has such a big grin as he walks along.
Jackson doesn't like the grass, typical of any little one. He loves watching us blow bubbles and trying to pop them. Any time we are outside he is happy. He loves going out on walks and being anywhere other than the house. We get out and about as much as we can. We've been to the zoo a lot too, thanks to Mom and Dad Pond's absolutely amazing gift of a season pass to the zoo.
Our little Mister loves finger foods. Some of his favorites are goldfish crackers, Ritz crackers, marshmallows, oyster crackers, Lucky Charms (marshmallows first), and graham crackers. He also enjoys Cheerios and other Gerber snacks (except the toddler cookies...he won't touch those with a 10-foot pole). Whenever we have cake and ice cream or cookies, he just HAS to have a bite. Or two. Or three. He also loves French Fries (and we were told by his pediatrician to give some to him to fatten the skinny little dude up!) He also loves to eat yogurt, pasta, and really whatever else we'll give him that's not in the form of baby food.
He's just barely grown into size 3 diapers, and 9-12 month clothes. He could eat all day long, but he is ALWAYS on the move. He was blessed with a high metabolism.
He loves to splash in the bath. Or the sink. When we take him to wash his hands he has to take time to splash in the sink. He's figured out how to flush the toilet and unroll the toilet paper from the roll. He is so mischevious and gets into everything.
He loves to make faces. He has a certain face that he pulls if he does something that he knows he isn't supposed to do, like "Oh...Mommy just busted me." He's also got a really cheesy grin, and he likes to scrunch his face up into a sour look. It is so funny to watch.
We love our little dude!
He still loves walking with help. He has been able to balance himself on his feet by himself a couple times, once for over 10 seconds! It won't be long until he is walking. It is so cute when he wears his shoes and we help him walk. He picks his feet up super high and then stomps them back down. He has such a big grin as he walks along.
Jackson doesn't like the grass, typical of any little one. He loves watching us blow bubbles and trying to pop them. Any time we are outside he is happy. He loves going out on walks and being anywhere other than the house. We get out and about as much as we can. We've been to the zoo a lot too, thanks to Mom and Dad Pond's absolutely amazing gift of a season pass to the zoo.
Our little Mister loves finger foods. Some of his favorites are goldfish crackers, Ritz crackers, marshmallows, oyster crackers, Lucky Charms (marshmallows first), and graham crackers. He also enjoys Cheerios and other Gerber snacks (except the toddler cookies...he won't touch those with a 10-foot pole). Whenever we have cake and ice cream or cookies, he just HAS to have a bite. Or two. Or three. He also loves French Fries (and we were told by his pediatrician to give some to him to fatten the skinny little dude up!) He also loves to eat yogurt, pasta, and really whatever else we'll give him that's not in the form of baby food.
He's just barely grown into size 3 diapers, and 9-12 month clothes. He could eat all day long, but he is ALWAYS on the move. He was blessed with a high metabolism.
He loves to splash in the bath. Or the sink. When we take him to wash his hands he has to take time to splash in the sink. He's figured out how to flush the toilet and unroll the toilet paper from the roll. He is so mischevious and gets into everything.
He loves to make faces. He has a certain face that he pulls if he does something that he knows he isn't supposed to do, like "Oh...Mommy just busted me." He's also got a really cheesy grin, and he likes to scrunch his face up into a sour look. It is so funny to watch.
We love our little dude!
Monday, May 5, 2014
We Did It!
The day that we've been waiting for has come and gone. The past several months has been crazy, and a little stressful as Jeff has been going to school full time, and working around 15 hours a week. It is a blessing that I have been able to stay home with Jackson. We were very grateful that we had been able to put half of my teaching salary into savings, because that is ultimately what saved us through our very limited finances over the past 8 months since we stopped getting those paychecks.
Jeff has graduated with his Bachelor's Degree in Communications from the University of Utah! Graduation stuff was Thursday and Friday. We were getting ready on Thursday to go to Commencement and Jeff walked into the bathroom in his cap and gown while I was putting on my makeup and I almost started bawling right there. I am so proud of him.
Thursday evening, Jeff's mom and I were there for Commencement, then his parents took us to dinner afterwards. On Friday, both of our parents and Jeff's sister and her family were all there with us for his Convocation. We went out for a late lunch/ early dinner afterwards. We also celebrated with his whole family last night at his parents' house.
Our plans now include enjoying more time as a family, getting out and doing things outside, and looking for a new job for Jeff that will allow him to put to use what he has learned in school.
We feel so blessed, and know that everything will work out for the best. We just have to keep the faith :)
Jeff has graduated with his Bachelor's Degree in Communications from the University of Utah! Graduation stuff was Thursday and Friday. We were getting ready on Thursday to go to Commencement and Jeff walked into the bathroom in his cap and gown while I was putting on my makeup and I almost started bawling right there. I am so proud of him.
Thursday evening, Jeff's mom and I were there for Commencement, then his parents took us to dinner afterwards. On Friday, both of our parents and Jeff's sister and her family were all there with us for his Convocation. We went out for a late lunch/ early dinner afterwards. We also celebrated with his whole family last night at his parents' house.
Our plans now include enjoying more time as a family, getting out and doing things outside, and looking for a new job for Jeff that will allow him to put to use what he has learned in school.
We feel so blessed, and know that everything will work out for the best. We just have to keep the faith :)
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